You are my first.
And I wonder if I’m enough.
You’re my world.
But what am I to you?

I’m scared I won’t be good enough.
I’m scared you will disappear again.
I’m scared I love you too much.
I’m scared I won’t be enough.
I’m scared that we won’t last.

I’m really whiny right now. I’m attributing it to my Aunt Flo visiting. My apologies.

I’m frustrated. I’m constantly confused by you and your actions. You say we’re okay. And we’re together now. So everything should be okay. But it isn’t. Is it? You kiss me and tell me you want to be with me. Then you get so distant. It isn’t supposed to be like this. Is it?

You shouldn’t have said bonsoir.

I know you didn’t know that today I’ve been upset with J. But I have been. And you saying bonsoir and being charming isn’t needed. I should be sleeping. Instead I’m wondering what if’s. 

It amazes me how someone can claim to love God and His people, when they refuse to support their own daughter. Today I realized something I probably should’ve recognized many years ago. My family doesn’t consist of those that are blood relations. The only true person who is a blood relation that I consider family is my sister, Danielle. She is the only one who I can depend upon fully when my life is in shambles.

Today I gave up trying to satisfy my parents, especially my mother. It’s hard for me because as a writer, I’m an optimist. I want to believe I can have that fairy tale life, but with her, it’s impossible. I have grown up as a strong Christian. I love people. But time and time again, people break my heart. I want to see the best in them. I want to wish they can change for the better. Unfortunately this mindset is faulty.

I have devoted my life to achieving my dreams. I have worked hard all throughout my schooling. I didn’t need an extra push. I wanted to do the best I could. I received a full ride to Lamar because of my grades. Not only have I excelled scholastically, but I have been involved in numerous extracurriculars. I led Praise Band for my church in high school. I go to College Bible Study. I am the Vice President of my sorority. I make the Dean’s List. I’m in Circle K because I love giving back to the community. I twirl for the new Marching Band at my university. I do this all because I want more than a typical college experience.

All I asked was to have a little independence. I never have been a “bad kid” but wanting to be a mature adult is too much for my “family” to handle. Wanting more than living in this shitty town is too much for them. Wanting a life different than the one they envisioned for me was too much.

I’ve come to the point that I no longer need their approval. I want more than this little town has to offer me. I have great friends there. I have great organizations. But I will not be there forever. If a person loves the area, then that’s terrific. It truly is. However if I choose to leave it, my decision deserves respect. I love where I am now and the honesty of the people here. I may not stay here now. But trust me, I’ll be back. I’ve finally found the home here that I’ve been searching for for twenty years. And it’s worth fighting for.

I’m sorry if this writing offends you. Actually I’m not. I’m going to be real about my life. Enough people have their fake ones. It won’t be me. If you care about me, then show it. After all, there’s no day but today.

I don’t understand you. I don’t understand why you can’t let me be independent. I don’t understand why you act like I’ve been a horrible daughter. I haven’t. I know I am not perfect, but I don’t see how I could possibly deserve the treatment you’ve given me.

What is wrong with wanting to go off to school? What’s wrong with not wanting to live under my parents’ roof? What’s so wrong about wanting to travel and dream bigger than the small town you raised me in? What’s so wrong with choosing a life that’s different from yours?

I don’t want to leave you. I’m already too attached. Is it wrong to want to separate yourself from the world? When you know you can’t stay forever with these people?

I never anticipated loving this place the way I do. It’s freeing really. And beautiful. There’s a vibe here that cannot be matched. The people are unique. The culture is alive. And it’s calming and thrilling all at the same time.

I don’t wish to be apart from it, but I know that part of me cries inside knowing I’m leaving in two weeks. It didn’t last long enough. We didn’t last long enough. But I’ll come back to you. I promise you that much.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever fully understand this relationship that we have. A part of me wants to hate you with all that I have in me, yet a larger part loves you more than life itself. You were the first person I truly fell in love with. I loved the good and the bad that makes you. You are my best friend. Even though I try not talking to you, you’re the one I want to turn to when I am unsure of what’s going on in my life.

I hate her for not loving you. I hate her for stringing you along. It’s funny though. Your eagerness to win her affection is similar to the eagerness I had for you. I wonder how different our lives may have been if I had made you chase me more. Would we still be together? Or would have it not lasted once we had established something?

Even with miles between us, I still feel the fire in our first kiss. I still get butterflies when you laugh on the phone. My heart still skips a beat. And we still get each other to a degree with is pretty much terrifying. I wonder what life will be like in two weeks when I see your face again. I’m nervous to find out.

I don’t understand why life has to be this hard. Why do some people get the easy life and others have to struggle to make ends meet? It hardly seems fair. Then of course someone would add the “life isn’t fair” mantra into this conversation. Still that doesn’t justify it at all.

I wasn’t perfect in high school but I did a lot. Yet despite my good grades and involvement, I was stuck with the choice of going to the commuter college. I didn’t get to go off on an adventure. I didn’t get to travel. And I had as many restrictions with my life as one could possibly imagine. I don’t get it.

I didn’t do drugs. I didn’t sleep around. But I still was treated as though I was a five year old or some rebellious teenager. All I wanted was to explore. To see. To live. To be given a chance.

I just don’t see who chooses who gets to live the exciting life and who has to stay at home in the small town. I just don’t.